I found out I was pregnant the day after my birthday. It was the best birthday present ever, we had been trying for so long and just thought it would never happen.

I had awful sickness but I was happy. Every scan we went to, I used to come out thinking how well and healthy our bubba was. We got past our due date and was getting excited to see you, it was a week before Christmas and I love Christmas so much that I couldn't wait to dress you up. I was five days over and they decided to induce me, I remember coming home to get my bag while I was having contractions and leaving the house, knowing that our lives will be completely different when we returned but not in the way I was thinking. There was no beds when I got to the hospital so I was placed on a post maternity ward. I was in so much pain but was trying to keep quiet for the new mum's and babies.

Eventually I was moved and started pushing. I then found out that they had made a mistake and I wasn't ready to push.

24 hours later, there was no show so I was placed on the drips. It was the 20th December 2014 around 4am whilst I was on my 3rd drip. The midwife pushed the emergency button and I was rushed to theatre for c-section. I felt happier knowing we were going to see our baby quicker.

My partner was with me by my side at theatre and there was lots of people in the room. I thought I heard my daughter cry when she came into the world but I was wrong.

I had my partner crying and then they placed my daughter by my head so I could see her. We never found out the sex of our baby and was so surprised it was a girl.

She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen but I just couldn't really understand what had happened. I don't think anyone had. The next thing I remember was watching my family fall apart around me and the staff organising a box.

We left hospital a few days after without her but because her death needed to be investigated. We went back to see her before she had her postmortem.

Getting in the car next to the baby car seat was awful. Six weeks later we then held her funeral, it was such a beautiful day but the worst thing I have done or will ever do. We placed her bears and toys in her pink coffin and let off balloons. She would be four this December and my heart still hurts as much as it did then. I did nothing wrong and will never have answers why she is not here.

Love my angel Alya and will never stop thinking if only.