One year ago today was the happiest day of my life, my beautiful baby boy SAM was born.

We had been very lucky, after trying for a baby for only one month, the magical line appeared on the home pregnancy test and we were going to be parents!  I couldn't have wished for a better pregnancy. There were no problems at all, just the amazing sight of a growing tummy and the joyous feeling of Sammy moving around and kicking inside me!  We had called him Sam ever since the 20 week scan, when we found out we were expecting a boy.  From then on Sam had an identity of his own and everyone eagerly awaited his arrival.

At around 4am on 24 June 2006, only two weeks early, my waters broke, not fully but enough for me to know that Sam was on his way.  Even though it was the middle of the night, I was so excited that we were finally going to meet our baby!  As the contractions got stronger and more consistent I got more excited, not scared as I thought I might be, about to go through labour.  I was in hospital for 3 hours on Diamorphine and gas and air when at 4.49pm Sam was born at a healthy 7lb 3oz!  When the midwife placed him in my arms it was truly the happiest and most amazing moment in my life. The tiny life that we had created and eagerly waited to meet for 9 months was finally here and he was perfect and beautiful. 

Sammy’s Dad and Grandma were there at his birth and within minutes his Granddad was with us too.  They all had cuddles and kisses, precious memories that I'm sure they will never forget.  I'll certainly never forget my cuddles or the first time Sam tried to feed or the first time I dressed him and put on his tiny nappy.  Unfortunately these memories are a bit blurred due to the medication but I cling to them and hope and pray that they will never fade, as apart from a few photos, memories are all I have left of my beautiful baby boy.

As the visitors left I prepared to spend my first night alone with Sam.  I was a whirlwind of emotions, overwhelmed with love, so proud, so excited, so nervous and extremely tired.  Like all babies Sammy cried a lot, but stopped when he got a cuddle off his mum, I was so happy that I could comfort him.  Finally Sam went off to sleep, but all I could do was cat nap, I was so aware of the responsibility of caring for my baby.

At some point between 1am and 2am Sam stopped breathing.  The next few hours are a blur as my world fell apart.  Sam was taken to the Neo-Natal Unit and put on a ventilator to breathe for him; we were told the next 48 hrs were crucial.  These were the longest and scariest hours of my life. Seeing him lying in his tiny incubator hooked up to all the machines was heartbreaking, but we still had Sam and had to cling onto any hope we could.  2 days passed and Sam never tried to breathe again for himself.  The consultant sat us down and told us that a brain scan showed that even if he did breathe again, which was extremely unlikely, Sam was totally brain dead and it was best for him if they withdrew care and turned off his ventilator.  Right up until those words left his mouth I was sure Sam was going to be ok.

I held my baby boy in my arms as his life support was turned off.  I'm told I was singing him our song, You're Beautiful by James Blunt but something inside of me has blocked out some memories, I guess its nature’s way of protecting me from reliving the worst moment of my life.  Having to kiss my beautiful baby goodbye and walk away, never to see him our hold him again, was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do.

They found no cause for Sam’s death and it was registered as Sudden Unexplained Death In Infancy. It doesn't give us any answers but it’s not hereditary and the consultant reassured us it was nothing that we did. That doesn't stop the doubts and questions going over in my mind in the middle of the night, Why this? What if that?  I think of Sam every single day and hope I always will.  I'm expecting our second baby know and can't wait to tell him/her all about their brother, Sam will always be part of our family.

Love you forever SAM. Happy Birthday my little Angel x 

Ellen, June 2007