We were so excited when we found out my wife was pregnant all I could do was smile, we tried our best to not tell people but excitement became too much and we managed 6 weeks before we told family and close friends. We got married March 2012 and bought our house October 2012 so a pretty hectic year, and then January 2013 we found out we were going to have a baby.

After our first scan, Nic was adamant we were going to find out the sex at the next, so we discussed for a while and decided we would find out and if it was a girl I could name her Lola. Nic only agreed to that as she was adamant it was a boy and we already had names for them. So we attended the second scan and this little baby Nic was adamant was a boy was a girl!! My smile got even bigger not only because we could call her Lola but I was getting daddy’s little girl. So we were all set, we knew it was a girl, she would be called Lola, and her nursery would be pink. I knew this wasn’t the end of it, there was no way Nic was going to agree to Lola, she hates the name, we eventually agreed on Scarlett.

Monday 14th October 2013 is in my calendar as the inevitable day, I went to work like normal. It got to about 10am when I saw missed calls and a message from wifey. What my mind thought that message would say and what it did were 2 very different things, it said that Scarlett hadn’t moved all morning, she had an appointment at the hospital at 11am and she was scared. I got to the hospital about 10.45am and found Nic waiting in the room where everyone was waiting to have a scan, her appointment wasn’t due till 11am, and we went through with a midwife who got the heartbeat monitor onto Nic’s stomach to find the heartbeat and was moving around without picking up anything. This could only have been minutes but felt like hours, you could hear other heartbeats from other mothers in the room and for a split second you’d think it’s yours and it’s not. Nic was getting very distressed now and so they decided to take her through for a scan.

We walked across the hall with the midwife where the male assistant who was doing the scan was very nice and polite and explained that he may not say much but he’s not ignoring us he just has to look out for certain things. This was understandable, so he was scanning away and still no sound of a heartbeat. By now we were hoping for a miracle, praying Scarlett would show them they’ve got it wrong and she was just out to give Mummy and Daddy a scare. He said he had to get another opinion and returned with another lady. I saw him on screen draw a box around where Scarlett’s heart was and there was no movement, the lady left and he said “I’m sorry, there’s no easy way to tell you this” and that’s as far as he got before Nic let out a horrific scream.

We went back into a little room and had some time alone. A doctor came to see us and explained that Nic would still have to give birth naturally but they would induce her and expect delivery on Wednesday. We sat in that room for about an hour and had to contemplate what to do. Do we go home? Do we stay there?  We just let thoughts and emotions take over until we knew we had to tell the family. I volunteered to do this as Nic was in no condition to phone and talk to people and especially as there was no reception in the hospital meaning she would needed to of walked outside, so I grabbed my phone, went out and started making the worst phone calls of my life. I felt like the Grim Reaper. I was about to phone everybody close and tell them that what they was expecting was not going to happen. I didn’t stay on the phone for long with anybody, I couldn’t.

We decided we would stay in hospital and just wait for Wednesday as the thought of going home and having to come back was impossible.  Well that was our original plan but then it got to about 4pm and we realised our evening would be spent sat staring at the same 4 walls, thinking the same things and not knowing what to say to the other one. We so wanted to block the world out, we had told them and they were all hurting but we didn’t need to see it, or be around for it, we just wanted to be there for the other one. This would have been a way of dealing with things but we changed our minds and so did the family and all their plans.

We decided enough was enough and we had to go somewhere but of course. Home had so many memories, so we decided Nic’s Mum and Dads. I knew she would be more comfortable there but I wanted to at least visit home and put Scarlett’s things in her room as currently they had taken over the entire house.  I returned to Nic at her Mum and Dad’s, knowing we had to return to the hospital Wednesday for Scarlett to be born but not in the circumstances we had all dreamed of.

Strangely we got a pizza that night and although none of us were hungry or really in the chatting mood I think it was just something that stopped you thinking for a few seconds at a time. Our intention was to stay there until Wednesday but Scarlett had other ideas. About 2am Tuesday morning Nic started contractions.  We waited until about 6am when we phoned the midwife on call and she advised if they get any worse go to hospital. At about 8am we decided we needed to go back and not knowing how quickly or slowly she was coming definitely meant we would both rather be in the hospital than at home. We jumped in the car and headed back.  

We returned to the family room on the delivery suite and Nic was clearly in pain.  We was seen by an older midwife who was in charge for the day and clearly compassion was not a word in her vocabulary even for people going through what we were going through.  She immediately asked Nic what she was doing back there? And if she was not far enough dilated she would be sending us home again. I was astonished, did she even know what it was like to walk back into this hospital knowing what we knew, walk around a maternity area full of expectant mothers? After much persuasion she allowed us to stay in the room that had been put aside for us since Monday anyway and had previously been told we could stay in as long as we like.

The first examination of Nic was not pleasant. I sat next to her and held her hand and luckily they had covered what they were doing, they said she was 2cm and so we had a bit of a wait and they would re-examine her in 4 hours, we decided at this point that if people wanted to come see us we should let them. What we didn’t expect was the support we got.  People dropped their entire plans for the day and although we have quite a close family, we don’t see each other as much as we would like and yet they all arrived as soon as they could.  

A few more examinations went by and Nic was not progressing as quickly as they would like but we were all happy to sit and wait.  Although she was getting more uncomfortable with the pain, the anaesthetist talked her into having morphine through a drip that was already set up in her arm. Around 5ish they decided they was ready to break Nic’s waters, the contractions that followed this were painful to listen to, or watch but I had to do my best. Nic recognised that her current amount of pain relief was not going to be enough and asked for an epidural.

8.20pm and it was time for the midwives to change. After the last one saw us through an epidural and most of the day it was hard to believe that we would find a better midwife and then a Scottish midwife walked in. She was realistic, down to earth, didn’t feel sorry for us but obviously understood we were in a situation we never thought we would be. A few hours passed and half the family were still camped out in the family room at 10pm it was time to start pushing.

It was time to meet baby Scarlett, the midwife had the room all set up and Nic was comfortable with the pain. She explained to Nic what she had to do and I just had to be there and support her, the first contraction came and she said to Nic to start pushing. I didn’t have to give too much encouragement as she had that covered with every contraction she would shout “Keep Going, Keep Going, Keep Going, Keep Going, Keep Going” which was slightly comical and did remind me of Mrs. Doyle in Father Ted “Go On”.

After 21 hours in labour, at 12.25am Wednesday morning Scarlett Mai Mellon was born.  They immediately put her onto Nic’s chest and I think I went into shock, or it took me a few moments to actually realise here she was. This beautiful little girl was finally here but not in the way I thought she was going to be. Nic was holding her but because she was so tired her arm kept dropping so I was on hand to hold it up again. I walked across the hall to the family room, opened the door and could just about get out “Scarlett was born at 12.25am” before I got jumped upon by family and couldn’t hold back any tears. I went back to see Scarlett and decided with the midwives help we would give her a bath, get her dressed in her little panda outfit, and ready for visitors whilst Nic had a little nap.

I took a few pictures as we were getting her dressed, she weighed 6lb 10oz we then invited the family in to meet the newest member of our little family.  You could see the utter delight in their face but also the pain in their eyes that she was not here the way we all hoped she would have been.  Around 3am we decided to try get some sleep as we didn’t know exactly what tomorrow had in store for us. I lay on a folding bed to one side, Scarlett was placed in a special cot and Nic could finally get some rest in her bed.

8.20am and it was time for the Scottish midwife to finish, she introduced the new midwives that would be looking after us but it was sad to see her finish (although I’m sure she could of done with the sleep). I spoke to the new midwives and asked if they could ask the Chaplain to come see us. I strictly told them we only wanted to talk about the naming ceremony and nothing to do with a funeral and we booked 2.15pm that afternoon and then had the challenge of getting everybody there.

Of course everybody came with no fuss, no hassle and no complaints. We allowed everyone to go in and see Scarlett before the naming ceremony so they could spend a bit of time saying ‘Hello’, and then after the ceremony everyone sat in the family room and left us to be alone with Scarlett. This was a very special time for us and everyone in our family as we’re not exactly religious people and if she was born in the conventional way we probably never would have had a christening or anything like that but under the circumstances and with all the support we had we felt we had to.

After that we met a lady from the bereavement team and again she was very suited to her job.  Every time she came to see us she would acknowledge Scarlett, advise us on options, our views, and whilst there never tell you what to do as they can’t, it’s always nice to have a reassuring view from someone who unfortunately has probably seen so many people go through this.

After all of that we started considering when to go home and not because we had to but we knew we couldn’t sit there forever. We continued to think about what was best and were we ready to leave Scarlett, knowing we would never see her again in this lifetime and all we would have is the photos, memories from being in that room with her.  As time passed it became clear we would not be ready until our Scottish midwife was back on shift the next evening.  We wanted her to sit with Scarlett when we left so we could tell ourselves we left her sleeping and the midwife was looking after her.

We started discussing her funeral as we needed something in place for when we left the hospital, we decided on having her cremated but only as that would allow us to have her ashes at home with us. The next day around 6pm we spent a few hours alone with Scarlett before we left. I said to Nic this was our time to put her to bed, tell her some stories and then leave her with the midwife that delivered her. I picked up one of the many story books we had bought her, turned the lights down, snuggled her in her blanket, and read stories, I can’t remember that many as we just flicked through the book and read the ones we remembered or liked. We did this until a knock at the door came and the midwife had returned.

Just like the first time we met her we found her warming, comforting, not patronising, or apologising about something she didn’t do or control - everything we could have asked for. She asked about our days and what we had been doing, the support we was getting and how she had probably met most of both our family’s as they had been in that room at one point or another. We told her how we were going to get through this mentally and telling ourselves we’ve put her to sleep and now she was babysitting for the night. We asked her to pick Scarlett up for us so we could both have one last cuddle. Nic just sat in the chair with Scarlett and gave her a cuddle. I decided to look out the window and even though I don’t know why it’s something that I’ll always remember.

The next bit is by far the hardest things we have ever done, and I mean ever. We both decided that whilst it would be nice for Scarlett to have toys it was equally important for us to have our memories, so Nic took a knitted blanket that was given to us by the hospital and donated through Sands, I took a Minnie Mouse toy as she had a comforter and a teddy and I’ve never been so attached to something in my life. We left her Minnie Mouse comforter, her pink blanket that she was wrapped in, a mouse toy, and a ‘sshh Baby Sleeping’ sign that was hanging on her door handle at home.  We had already signed all the paperwork and completed everything necessary so all we had to do was walk out the room.

I gave Scarlett back to the midwife and she just placed her back in her cot and sat beside her with just a little lamp on. I remember her saying “Now you guys get out of here” and whilst it wasn’t the most compassionate leaving comment for us, it was her, and it was what we expected. We left the room shut the door and never looked back, walked past the reception desk that still had our name on a room through the door and out into the corridor. I don’t think we spoke for the entire time we just focused on getting out the building and not having a breakdown anywhere on the way. We took the stairs down (as less people were on them) and walked outside where Nic’s Mum and Dad were waiting. Nic’s Mum gave us a massive hug as soon as we walked out.

I remember staring out the window on the way home constantly and watching the world go by and that was quite annoying as you like to believe that the whole world stops for things like this but unfortunately they don’t, just you and your family do. We got home and we did have an uplifting surprise when we walked in. My Nan and Grandad had sent a card down and inside was a poem (just one that you buy from the shop) but it was the first one that I read and truly believed what was written, it goes like this:

In Memory Of Our Little Angel

On clear and silent nights

When we are gazing at the stars

One always shines the brightest

And we know that one is ours

For it’s our very own twinkling star

Who lives in heaven’s care

And whose precious little feet

Now pitter-patter way up there

If only you were here with us

The hurt would melt away

But there’s just this awful sadness

That is present every day

So Angels, do one thing for us

And all we ask is this –

Make sure that our own Little Angel

Will catch this great big kiss

Now we’ve got Scarlett’s ashes at home with us and we just tell ourselves she was too beautiful for Earth. We’re going to continue fundraising for Sands and the research they do, as well as the families they support like mine.