Hi I am Hannah I lost my first born, a baby boy on the 11th March 2005.  I had an excellent healthy pregnancy, which I really enjoyed.  I lost him at 40 weeks 3 days he was still born.  I have posted a brief message a few days ago but now feel I want to tell you every thing.  

I was at the hospital on my due date and had a scan as I had a slight water infection.  I saw him on the screen moving around happy as Larry (I didn't know it was a him at the time) he was a big baby.  The day after I sort of noticed I hadn't felt my baby move, I didn't worry too much as he was a night mover any way, he liked moving when I liked sleeping!  My husband got home from work that evening and still I hadn't recalled movement.  

I had my Mum and aunt staying with us to help out if needed. My aunt had said that she never knew which way the baby lay,  as she couldn't work it out when she felt her daughter’s tummy. My husband showed her by laying her hands on my tummy telling her where the feet were etc. Even after this I still hadn't felt him move.  

 

When we went up to bed some 20 minutes later I mentioned to him that I hadn't felt no movement so he suggested we went to the hospital.  I thought he was over reacting, I hated the thought of going there and wasting the midwife’s time, I also didn't want them to think I was being stupid.   Anyway we called the hospital and both went that night.  As I lay on the bed with Matt holding my hand I sort of knew some thing wasn't right.  The lovely midwife was moving the heart monitor over my tummy and we heard nothing, no heart beating nothing.  I looked at Matt but neither of us said a word we just felt numb at that point, numb and scared.  She left the room to get a doctor who came to run the monitor over my tummy and confirm that my baby had died, his heart wasn't beating anymore.  

All I remember after that is the midwife telling me I had to deliver my baby and thinking you nasty, evil women how dare you expect me to do some thing like that, do you know what I am going through.  I had made a decision I was having a caesarean even though she had strongly advised me not to but said she couldn't force me to have natural birth. I didn't want to feel the pain I wanted it to be over as quickly as possible.  We told the hospital we would be back the next day as I couldn't bear the thought of touching my tummy and nothing would be there to respond.  While I lay on the bed Matt called our parents, he was so strong and brave he came back in the room and held me and just said it was up to me, what ever I decided he would support me no matter what.  As we drove home we never said a word, just cried.  

I went to hospital the next morning with more of a clear head, they said they would have to scan me again just to confirm that I had lost the baby, I think out of every thing that was the hardest thing as deep down we were hoping that they had got it wrong. We hoped we would hear a heart beat but nothing, no sound.  They introduced me to the midwife who was going to spend the day with us, she again explained why they would prefer me to have natural birth.  This time I understood more, I think for most of the period I became like a robot I knew what I had to do and just decided to do it.  I agreed to have natural birth with an epidural. 

The day went extremely quickly, we were taken to the Hope Suite away from pregnant women and babies.  This was a lovely area as it allowed both sets of families to come see and support us.  

The 10th of March is my dad's birthday and even though I wanted this to be over and done with I silently prayed I would not give birth on that day, I know every year as the 11th draws closer its going to be a sad time but I didn't want it to spoil my dad’s day, my baby’s birth date is a date to remember for Matt and I but its also a very sad day too.

Hannah