05.01.15: The day I got those two lines on a pregnancy test was the day I knew my life was going to change so much.

05.02.15: My first scan. We saw our little dinobaby waving at us (he looked like a dinosaur). I fell in love with this little peanut dinosaur looking thing on that tiny little screen. I was going to be a mummy!

25.03.15: We found out our dinobaby was a boy! (I really wanted a girl so I had a huff and puff about it for about 20 seconds. Then a huge smile came across my face. Mummies little prince!!)

27.06.15: My 4D scan. We caught our boy swearing at the scanner ... I instantly knew he was going to be a little monster. My little monster.

My pregnancy was perfect up until 35+6 weeks. Ethan had a healthy, happy heartbeat and a perfect routine. He seemed so cheeky in the womb I can't even begin to imagine what he would have been like out of it!! My love grew for him more and more each day. I had my down days during my pregnancy but I always had Ethan there kicking me, as if he was telling me everything was going to be okay!

The bond we had when he was inside the womb was amazing. I used to tickle him and he use to kick. I used to shush and sing him and rock him to sleep.

As I said my pregnancy was perfect up until 36 weeks. My sweet, Ethan John Moore was born sleeping on August 10th 2015. I went to bed the night of the 6th and he was kicking away.

When I woke up, and he wasn't kicking like usual. I usually get woken up by his morning movements. I knew. I just knew. I didn't want to know. But I knew. 

We went to Maternity triage, praying the whole way there. This is where we met Rachel. A midwife who was there from the start to the end.

When the consultant gave me my ultrasound there was silence ... "I'm sorry” they said, “there's nothing there."

I keep having flashbacks to that moment. It's a horrible feeling and those are the most heart-breaking words you could ever hear. I instantly felt like a failure. I had one thing to do! To protect my little boy. Instead I failed him. I couldn't breathe, I was screaming but nothing was coming out, and then a piece of me died there with him.

I entered the hospital a mummy and left a survivor. I went home and just laid in bed thinking.

Thinking why me. Why my baby? What did he do to deserve this? What did I do wrong?

The next day Rachel gave me a pill to prepare my body for labour. Then I had to go back home and rest until Monday when I’d be induced. As I left the hospital Rachel gave me a hug and said she will be there Monday morning. I felt comforted, she was the most supportive one there.

I went to the hospital on Monday, Rachel came in and explained what she was going to do and how I was to be induced. I was induced at 12pm.

I wanted my baby to be alive. I was still hoping he would come out of me and wondering if I'd hear a cry.

At 8:42, after two painful pushes, my little boy Ethan was born. That painful silence became present in the room waiting for his cry but, nothing. He weighed 5lb 12oz.

I thought to myself: I’m delivering a lifeless child. There would be no happiness at the end of it to help me forget the pain. The pain, unlike my baby boy, would live on forever. But there was. Seeing him smiling made me happy. Made me feel at comfort and made me realise how perfect he was.

Mum held him first, then Karl, then Annie. Karl took pictures on my phone. Then finally, after I had an internal examination, he was placed on my chest - gorgeous, but lifeless.

We spent three days with him sleeping in the same room as us. We took hundreds of photos. He went for a poo... On my bed and a little bit down the midwife. I thought to myself "that's my boy".

We dressed him, we held him, kissed him, and told him how much we loved him.

We left the hospital on Wednesday night. I couldn't bear the thought of leaving my son, it was heart-breaking.

Around 9:30pm, we said our goodbyes. As I stood over him and spent those last few minutes with him.

Thursday 27th August was the funeral, and we had to go through the whole thing again. Seeing him one last time. We ordered a horse and carriage for him to travel to his special bed. He had a grave side ceremony of about 40 people round his graveside holding balloons ready to let off after he had been lowered into his forever bed.

No mother should have to be at the funeral of their child who's not even had a chance at life. Again another piece of my heart died with him that day.

What makes it 100,000 time worse is that Ethan’s results all came back PERFECT. He was so perfect.  We're still waiting for the urine results to come back. God help me if it was a simple urine infection that took his life!!

I felt Ethan's fist kick 30.06.15 and felt his last kick 06.08.15 at 23:57pm. If I had known they would have been your last kicks I would have laid back and cherished them. I see the way some people talk and treat their children and I think to myself 'if only they knew,'

If only they knew what I had been through.

If only they knew how lucky they are.

If only.

I'm stood here with an empty womb, empty cot and a broken heart. Your wings were ready but my heart wasn't. Rest in peace my angel Ethan xx